Couples come to us by the thousands, begging us to undo what they once vowed would never be undone. Camelot crumbled. Dreams were illusions. Passion begot violence. Promises perished.
Or worse, they just stopped caring. That unforgettable feeling is long forgotten. What they once would have crawled across town for now doesn’t get them off the couch.
Whatever the circumstance, dissolution or paternity, for better or for worse, the former lovers come to make right what is so wrong. To turn desperation into peace of mind. To receive their slice of the marital pie.
That unmistakable twinkle needs to be reduced to terms of contract. The most personal details of their lives take up residence on an intake form.
After 10 consecutive years on the family law bench, I offer here observations from 10,000 feet: observations from walking into the same metaphorical swamp, day after day, and trying to lift everyone to dry land. Observations from refereeing the game that no one seems to win.
And I offer the suggestion that much of what ails them, ails us—attorneys and judges alike.
Communication. The greatest miss of parties and attorneys is communication, and the lack of it. How many times have you resolved outside the hearing room what has been docketed for weeks? It may be easier to create a binder of exhibits than to pick up the phone, but it’s not better.
Like the parties, attorneys need to communicate. Even when opposing counsel is not who you would invite to lunch. Even when the subject matter tastes like beets. Difficult conversations between attorneys are always better than avoided ones.
Communication yields information. More information results in better decisions. And better advice. The more questions you ask, the more you know. Even if the answer isn’t credible, there’s value in the answer.
Respect and professionalism. Unless and until it is no longer warranted, offer respect. And if respect is no longer due, extend professionalism. While respect is about someone else, professionalism is a reflection on you.
Remember the oath we took when we became attorneys? “I pledge fairness, integrity, and civility, not only in court, but also in all written and oral communications.”
Respect is also the subject of the first mandate of the Florida Family Law Bounds of Advocacy: “A lawyer must strive to lower the emotional level of family disputes by treating everyone with respect.”
We don’t always have to meet each other on the same level, but we would do well to meet opposing counsel in the same place. We are working on the same case, the same issues, the same family. Right?
Reliability. Sometimes just showing up is enough. Ever heard that before? If you haven’t, ask a teenager who meets regularly with a mentor. Ask them if they appreciate presence. Ask them what just being there means. Counselor?
It’s work. It’s hard. We spend much of our working hours digging our hands into other people’s compost. But often, that’s where the solution is buried.
Take the phone call. Return the email. Be on time. Be what the opposing party often isn’t.
Creativity. Just because the parties are miles apart, it doesn’t mean a bridge can’t be built. What exactly is in the water between?
Aside from money and overnights, what do the parties really want? What is keeping them up at night? What concerns can be allayed? What safeguards can be ordered? That’s where the pillars for the bridge can be found.
Think hard about how the bridge can be built. Then think about how else it can be constructed. Most often, there exists more than one workable solution.
Setting aside fault, the parties are where they are. If two enemies are stuck in a pit, how long will it take them to figure out that if one gives the other a boost, they can get out?
Empathy. Unlike sympathy, empathy is an art of understanding. Not to comfort, but to feel. Empathy is knowing. It’s an awareness of your client’s reality.
If you really want to know what your clients want and need, you need to be very thoughtful about where they are. What are they going through? What is their day-to-day? What are they doing, and why are they doing it?
Questions and answers create empathy. From listening comes understanding. Even if the questions are difficult, ask them. You need to know.
You may remind your clients that, when people get married, they learn about someone else, but when people get divorced, they learn about themselves.
Attitude. Don’t be petty. Don’t be rude. And don’t be a jerk.
Like you, judges loath a poor attitude. To the contrary, judges respect and appreciate the high road. We very much value the discernment of an attorney who doesn’t respond to that which deserves no response.
I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t fight the battles that need to be fought. But do it intelligently. Do it in such a way that even the opposition will respect. Do it in a way that upholds this provision from the Bounds of Advocacy: “A lawyer must avoid disparaging personal remarks or acrimony toward the opposing party, opposing counsel, third parties, or the court.”
Perspective. Remember the beginning of Chapter 61 of the Florida statues? Chancery. A court of equity. Your client’s best day is rarely found in the final judgment. Take what you can, give what you ought.
Judges don’t envision landslides. It’s not what they’re taught. It’s contrary to the law. Remember, regardless of your client’s perspective, there is an opposing party. Another person. Another parent. Another side.
Fight for what you must, but concede what you should. A well-timed concession often serves you well in the next battle. Compromise also evidences wisdom.
Knowledge. You don’t need to be an expert on every subject every time you spread out your tools on a hearing room table. Know the issues for that day, and know the facts and law on those issues. Have the relevant authority ready for the Court. Be it a statute, a rule of procedure, or case law, show the court the correctness of your position and the means by which it can be ordered.
When you submit a proposed order or judgment to the court, compare it to the one entered by the judge. Put them side by side and study the differences. What was struck? What was added? What was altered?
Vicarious Trauma. Appreciate the similarities in your practice and your personal life.
Unlike attorneys who resolve civil matters or those involving crime, the subject matter of our efforts resides in our homes. We have spouses. We have children. We have reasons not to sleep. It is important that we separate what we can control and what we can’t. Resist the urge to “fix” your clients.
While speaking to a group of students recently, I was asked if I take my job home at night. I smiled widely. You think? ‘Can we not?’
Of course I mitigated my response to the eager ears, but I didn’t lie. Yes, I do take it home. I do think about cases in the middle of the night. I do agonize over where and how children will spend their nights.
Remember, the troubles of your clients are not your doing. You are not responsible for their acts, choices, and decisions. This too is addressed in the Bounds of Advocacy. “A lawyer should endeavor to achieve the client’s lawful objectives as economically and expeditiously as possible.” In other words, we should stay in our proverbial lanes.
As family law practitioners, our job is to follow the law and do what we can to help. But not every illness can be cured. The best you can do is what you ought to do.
The Children. The breathtaking collateral damage. It’s not enough to remember that the parties have children. Remember that they are the children. Remember that their new reality isn’t in any of the books read to them in circle time. Remember that when he’s not coming home, there’s no good answer to the question, “Mommy, where is daddy?” Remember that a teenager’s reoccurring thought may be, “Anywhere but here.”
What is reluctantly understood by everyone in the courtroom may be a nightmare to a six-year-old. Remember that when they climbed over the foot of the bed and found that spot between their parents, it was the best and safest place in the world. The foundation of their security is no more.
We know the parties may lose sight of this. We can’t. Do not move on until great consideration is given to the needs of the children.
Such is our vocation. To untie and untangle years or decades of spun union. Fairly, justly, and mindful of who is present, and who is not.
Our cases are often simultaneously a client’s rock bottom, and a place to start over. Lessons learned. Regret released. Another chance. Opportunity found.
Judge John I. Guy is a Circuit Court judge in Florida's Fourth Judicial Circuit in Jacksonville, Florida. Guy currently serves as the administrative judge for the Family Law Division, where he has been assigned since January 2016. He is a member and past president of the Florida Family Law American Inn of Court and a member of the Chester Bedell American Inn of Court.
This article, reprinted with permission, was previously published in the 2026, Issue 3 of the Commentator, the primary publication of the Family Law Section of The Florida Bar.